My Love/Hate Relationship with Jeans (and Myself)

We all know the feeling. The dread. You need new jeans ( or clothes in general) for whatever reason (because you’re lazy and your husband is a dote but a feeder and you put on 3 stone…) and you venture out to the shops.

WHAT GIVES, CLOTHES SHOPS??!!

Sweating (because shop thermostats are always set to “Tropical”), hot, bothered and stressed out. One pair of jeans slightly too big (not often!!) and the other pair – the same size and model on the label – you can’t get over your arse. COME ON.

And what length of legs does the fashion industry thing mere human beings have?? At the moment I’m a 14UK. I’m also only 4″11. I consistently wind up cutting 6inches off the bottom of most of my jeans – that’s when I find a pair I can wear at all.

Firstly and more importantly than my fragile self esteem, the fashion industry need to give us better sizing standards, better fit choices and length choices – for all you fellow shorties/ tall babes out there.

Secondly, and probably very evidently, I am struggling to love myself when I’m not a size 10. On  more than one occasion, I have brought myself to silly tears over the last year or so.

There are several schools of thought on this, and I’m very far from giving anyone with similar struggles the solution or do’s and do nots. This is merely a discursive and journal-ling exercise for me as one way of processing and hopefully coping better tomorrow. 

So – briefly. 4 years ago I moved home with mum and dad a pretty unhappy bunny. I needed to make some changes in my life and no one could do them but me. As part of this and along with the fact that my Dad works from home, and if I stayed at home all day I would want to kill him, I started going to the gym. Like 4-5 times a week. I became very addicted to it. I would walk the mile and a half into the town we lived near and then go do my workout. I started getting in pretty good shape and really enjoying weight training as the main part of my routine. I hate cardio! (but will do it when necessary).

I then moved country to get a decent job as a spring board to adulthood – being able to live myself, pay my own bills etc. I can safely say it was the most empowering thing I’ve ever done and it made me who I am now. I am VERY independent. To the point now where I sometimes forget – I have a husband that probably would like to know what I’m at now and then, and do stuff WITH me!

But I got stuck in one job about a year and a half ago, in a really crappy environment where I felt powerless, and it took a toll on me. I went to work and came home and didn’t want to go to work in the mornings do anything else. I stopped working out and being active and ate a lot of bad (but oh-so-good) food. Luckily I did still manage to plan our wedding and execute that. But I put on about 3 stone.

It crept on, until one day I got up in the morning and didn’t like the look of myself in ANY of my clothes (thank goodness my wedding dress was a lace-up corset gown) and I had done the one thing I had promised myself I never would again after losing all the weight before I moved out of my parents’ house – put it back on, with interest.

Now – before someone says it. I wasn’t anorexic or unhealthy (see pictures) or even “skinny”. I was still curvy and healthy but I was at a nice size for me. I felt great, liked how my clothes fit etc etc. So I’m pretty annoyed at myself.

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My husband is hugely supportive. He is a dote. He wouldn’t care if I were 30 stone (although he may be concerned about the health risks at that stage! lol) he would still love me and find me attractive. The problem is, I don’t find me attractive – and I’m one of those people that need to, in order to feel attractive to others.

I’ve tried simply “Loving Myself” and trying to decide to be okay with it. I think it works for me to a point, BUT:

I’m also of the school of thought that if you don’t like something and it’s in your power, change it. SO…Trying to use a healthy mix of both of these right now. Second session with the PT tonight (couldn’t walk after the first and nearly blacked out because I was stupid and did it on an empty stomach lol)

So here goes…

What are your body struggles/ stories/ feelings on this stuff? Please let me know 🙂

Love, 

Twinkle.

 

PS – Jeans shopping today a success – Stradivarius in Belfast. But try them on first lol. 

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. i hate shopping for jeans, that’s a pain always(

    Liked by 1 person

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